How I Stayed Pure in College - November 2, 2016

Often, college is an easy time to lose your footing, on the track toward purity. No one is exempt from temptation. When I was in undergrad I felt immense pressure to be sexually active. I desperately wanted to please God by saving my body and waiting until marriage to have sex; yet I also wanted the guys on campus to like me and to fit in with the “sophisticated” women at my job. Staying pure was an emotional and social fight and in the process, I had to develop coping skills and mechanisms to assist me. Here are some of the things I did and encourage you to do to stay pure in college.

1.      Strong accountability- In order to stay pure, I came under strong accountability. I was very honest about my sexual needs and desires with my accountability partners. It was a no-shame game. I knew I had to be honest in order to stay pure. If I did not express my heart honestly, it would have been easy for me to hide and fall into hidden sin. I let my accountability get “all in my business.” And I can say it has paid off so far. At 26, I am still a virgin and I am still praying and trusting God for my purity.

2.      Find a Christian big sister who is waiting- You need at least one example of a woman who is or has waited until marriage to have sex. I actually had two ladies who were my “purity big sisters.” My Christian big sisters would call me and talk to me about purity and waiting. Sometimes they would send me resources and pray for me. Their guidance greatly helped me to grow spiritually and encouraged me that waiting was actually possible.

3.      Surround yourself with Christian friends: More often than not, non-believers are not going to encourage you to stay pure. Be sure to surround yourself with like-minded Christian friends who will encourage you to maintain your purity. Note, the emphasis on like-minded. If your Christian friends are into premarital sex, then they are not the group you will want around you on the road to purity.

4.      If you can’t find Christian friends, resolve yourself to a period of solitude. One of the prominent reasons I often hear of why people don’t have Christian friends is because they cannot find Christian friends. This is real a experience for many people and this is valid. However, it is not an excuse of why you should lower your standards and choose friends who are not godly. What we meditate on we become like. If you cannot find Christian friends, perhaps God is calling you to a space of solitude or to a time of separation to take you into deeper intimacy with him. Either way, no friends are better than a group of compromising friendships or friends who will lead you into sin.

5.      Read books on purity- Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God (Romans 10:17). If you want to encourage yourself, read Christian books on purity. Some of my faves are Every Young Woman’s Battle (Shannon Ethridge) and The M Word (Debbie Adebayo).

6.      Memorize scriptures on purity- We are transformed by the renewing of our minds. (Romans 12:2). Thus, if you want to gain strength in purity, take time and memorize scriptures on the topic It will renew your mind to pursue waiting in a Godly way and will also encourage you in your journey.

7.      Be very selective with whom you date or make a choice not to date at all for a period. There were many times during undergrad when young men would approach me for dates and I knew they were unsaved. Not only does the Bible tell us to not be unequally yoke (2 Corinthians 6:14), it is unwise to date guys who are not on the same track to purity as you are (that includes in thought, word or deed.) For example, if a guy is willing to not “have sex” with you but wants to participate in heavy petting, oral sex, or other modes of sexuality (outside of penetration) he still does not have a godly view of waiting and should not be dating you.

8.      Learn how to control your sexual desires and offer them up unto the Lord. If you a human being, you have sexual hormones. It is what it is. You are going to have times when you are aroused (especially when Aunt Flo pays a visit and your sexual and reproductive hormones are heightened). Arousal is not sin. It is a chemical response that God created. It is what you do with the arousal (outside of marriage specifically) that distinguishes rather or not you honor God. Be honest with the Lord about your physical needs. Express to him what you feel. Then ask Him to help you take control of your flesh. This does not mean he is going to take that natural chemical response away, but rather it means that when you experience times of sexual arousal you will be able to practice self control and put your sexuality in the proper place.

I pray this is helpful!

XOXO,

Myah Lonye’

Is Virginity an Outdated Concept?

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Let’s begin here: I am 26 years old and I am still a virgin.

There. I’ve layed it out on the table; and while some of my readers might think “we’ll duh, you’re a Christian, of course you are a virgin.” Many other’s probably gasped a little at the concept. This isn’t for bragging rights, or to showcase how “holy I am.” Trust me; I am the closes thing to flawed that a human being can be. However, in this area of my life, I have a resounding passion to speak up and to speak clearly.

Purity until marriage is not a choice. It is not an outdated concept. It is not unrealistic.

 Rather, purity until marriage is a Christian responsibility and a Christ centered expectation. If you consider yourself to be a Christian, then Christ expects you to be pure until you are in the right circumstances to embrace sexual intimacy- and that would only be in the confounds of a covenant (male and female) marriage.

The Bible is not time-stamped for relevance.

It transcends cultural norms and social constructs. Society tells us that each generation must decide what their norm is, i.e. how they want to live, interact and socialize, how they feel about religion and faith, etc. However, the Bible gives us very strategic instructions on how we should go about living our daily lives and that includes how we should approach sex and sexuality. Here are a few common lies that people often believe about sex outside of marriage and it’s relevance for now.

1.      That it is not “that bad”

Sin is sin. Whether it’s gossip, murder, gluttony or fornication. God holds all unrepentant sin the same. The word of God has deemed sex before marriage, as fornication, which is sin. The promise of sin is hell. (1 Corinthians 6:9-20)

2.      If I fall once, it’s no big deal. God will forgive me.

Yes it’s true that if you ask for forgiveness, God will forgive you. God is a god of forgiveness, but He is not a God who embraces presumptuous sin (sin we intentionally do, with the intent to repent for it after committing it.) It doesn’t bring Him delight. He doesn’t want his children to fall into sexual sin and then repent later. Instead, he wants them to run from sexual immorality.  (Psalm 19:13, 1 Corinthians 6:18)

3.      It’s hard.

 So?  And I mean that in the most caring, sensitive way possible. Dying on the cross is hard. Being mocked, beaten and scorned for things you did not do is hard. Having your children disobey you despite how much you love them is hard. What Jesus did at the cross and what God continually does for us day in and day out is hard.  In comparison, abstaining from sex outside of marriage is not hard. And you can rest assured that it’s certainly a lot easier than hell.

4.      No one waits until marriage these days.

First, let me say that’s not true. While the statistics are not concrete, recent studies reveal that anywhere between 5 % and 30% of the American population waits until their wedding night before engaging in sexual intercourse. Secondly, since when is it okay to decide to embrace sin based on its popularity?  As mama always said, “would you jump off a bridge just because everyone else is doing it?” As Christians, we have to learn to stand for righteousness, because it is right. Nothing more, nothing less.  You don’t get to say, “Well in today’s culture, no one waits until marriage to have sex.” God has no plans to change His mind. If he said don’t do it, he means don’t do it. He’s not looking down from heaven thinking “oh, geez. In 2016, it’s popular to have sex outside of marriage. Let me change My Word and the promises of My Word to fit the social norms of humans in the 21^st century.” Ummm, nope definitely not going to happen.

I won’t tell you my entire story in this blog post (it would be wayyyyy to long. Definitely something I need to share in another post). However, what I can say is that I am empathetic to the difficulties that surround purity. I understand what it feels like to experience sexual abuse and then still have to trust God with my purity. I understand what it feels like to struggle with pornography addiction and then still have to trust God with my purity. I understand what it feels like to have good “Christian” men, attempt to seduce my heart as a means to have my body and then still have to trust God with my purity. I get it. I’ve lived it. But as I’ve walked through the walk of purity, what I’ve found is that ultimately waiting is an act of faith and obedience.

What will you choose?

 

 

 

Heart Check:

1.      What is your approach to purity?

2.      Are there areas of your life where you are not living pure? If so, what are they?

3.      If you are struggling with your purity, what are some tactics of support that you can use to help you overcome the struggle? (i.e. finding accountability? Joining a Bible study on purity, etc.)

4.      Do you have a sister in Christ who is struggling with her purity? If so, in what ways can you assist her in overcoming her struggle?