This has been a good-hard year.
I never thought I could put together the words "good" and "hard" when thinking about a single season of my life, but as I look over 2015, this has been one of the best, most challenging years I have ever lived through. I've faced a few fears, battled illness, and had to learn how to lean on God when I was experiencing loss and disappointment. Through a series of events, the end of 2014 and the first quarter of 2015 left me feeling tentative, afraid and timid. But I also felt victorious. During that six month period I jumped a few really tall hurdles. I experienced persecution and un-surety on every side. But, I made it through those situations and even though they left me with a few battle scars I figured the worst of it was over.
I was wrong.
Moving into the summer of this year, my father had a health scare with his heart. Through much prayer and a little medication his heart returned to normal. I too was facing health problems and received some scary news regarding my health. Also, around this time I was in the process of looking for a new job. To know me is to know that I never have a hard time finding jobs. In fact, I'm such a job magnet that I've gotten a couple of jobs without having to apply. I had recently started my business and I knew I wanted to continue working on it, but with the safety net of having stable income on the side. When the summer started I had five jobs that I was up for. They looked promising and I was completely qualified. Slowly, one by one, each one fell through- one even falling through two days before I was to start working. To say the least, I was a disappointed, but I simply thought that God wanted to increase my faith. And of course, I figured the worst of it was over.
I was wrong.
This fall I enrolled in my second year as a doctoral student. Though I've worked hard through all of my degrees I've never had as many sleepless nights, shed as many tears, or felt as much pressure as I've felt this semester. My classes have kicked my butt! There were many days I considered dropping down to part time, but each time I went to do so, I could feel the Holy Spirit telling me to halt. Soon after the semester started, my mother had to have two surgeries, which was a scary time for my family. Recently I received some heartbreaking news regarding my doctoral program. I can't share all of the details now, but let's just say that except for the grace of God, the course of my entire program could change and a big academic goal I've been working toward may not be fulfilled.
My year has been tough, but not bad.
Had all of these things happened to me a year ago, I would have been ready to through in the towel. I would have been angry at God. I would have become bitter. One of the beautiful things that has happened in this good-hard year is that God has taught me how to respond like the new woman I am becoming instead of like the old "Myah." I have found myself worshipping God when I felt afraid, running to Him in prayer when I felt uncertain. Not simply because I wanted answers, but because I needed to be in His presence. What I've found during this good-hard year is that when I am in God's presence I am my strongest. I am my most secure. I am my most fearless. I am my most sure.
At the beginning of the year I asked the Lord for more intimacy with Him. I wanted to know His face, I wanted to learn to trust Him. The funny thing about God is that often when He answers our prayers He answers them via experience. He didn't just give me more of His presence, he allowed me to go through difficult situations that caused me to seek His presence. He hasn't just given me more faith, instead He has allowed me to sit in the middle of chaos and trust that He will come through. And if He doesn't, He's teaching me to trust that:
He is still good (Dan. 3:17-18).
That is just one of the things that this good-hard year has taught me. I'm learning that even when I am in the center of a battle, even when things don't work out like I plan, even when people hurt me, even when I feel disappointed, His presence is there waiting to be sought and HE. IS. STILL. GOOD. This year what I've learned is sometimes you will find yourself sitting in the middle of a hard battle and you have to choose to fight until the battle is won. Half of the battle that you fight, in the midst of the battle you are fighting, is the belief that you are not fighting alone. That's the beauty of the good-hard years, if you allow them, they will show you that you are never fighting alone. I know that the coming weeks will be a walk of faith for me. I won't allow myself to look much past that time period, but I know that during the next month I will have to praise, worship, pray, and trust like never before. My hope is that everything works out like I planned, but if not... He is still good. He is always good. May we all learn to relish in the beauty of our good-hard years.
XOXO,
Myah
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